Two days ago I was so happy and in good spirits. But since yesterday I've been down in the dumps. Those old feelings that I'll never get pregnant are coming back again. Why is it that my mood can change so drastically in such a short time?

Wednesday I was rejoicing over Alice's pregnancy, and I was optimistic about my next cycle of TTC. That evening my husband and I brought our baby gifts for our new niece to my husband's brother and wife. It felt great to hold their little baby in my arms. I even asked to look at the nursery and admired the baptismal gown and the new baby clothes. My sister-in-law was very complimentary about the gifts we gave. Another positive thing was that I discovered my sister-in-law is using one of my photos for the birth announcements. I left their home feeling content.

That same day I got an email from a penpal which was shocking to me. She said that she enjoyed reading updates on my life and, that that she envied me. Why are humans that way? Why is it that others' lives seem so much better than our own? I'd like to say that if she were in my shoes she'd see that my life isn't so great. Right now I'm dealing with the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I wouldn't with it on anyone. My life is so consumed with my desire to have children right now that I have a hard time seeing the good things that exist in it. It's interesting how it takes a person on the outside to see those good things and point them out to me.

I talked to my principal/friend yesterday after school. She had gotten the results of her husband's sperm analysis, and they were excellent. The motility was a little lower than it should be, but with such a high count, it really doesn't matter much. From the ultrasound, the doctor thinks she may have some sort of a flap growing off of her uterus. It could be interfering with one of her tubes. It sounds like she will be referred to a specialist. She's going to have an HSG (dye test) next. So far her problems don't seem too bad, and things are looking hopeful.

When I got home from school yesterday, the family across the street was moving out. A young girl about eleven years old lived in that house. I had often thought she would make a great babysitter. Now she's moved away. It's sad that she never got to push my baby in a stroller like she did my neighbor's baby. It was one of those things that was part of my perfect plan of motherhood. That plan is falling apart, and it's hard for me to deal with it. The moving truck yesterday was just another reminder of how I am not in control.