There was one thing my friend said to me yesterday that I hadn't really thought about. Lately I've been figuring that I haven't been able to have children yet because God wants me doing something else right now besides raising kids. My friend told me that she often things about how God may be waiting for the right time for a child to be born because of the things that may happen in the child's life. Her example was that if a child is born later he may be able to avoid being drafted into a war. It's amazing to think that God already knows my children (whether biological or adopted) and has already planned what will happen in their lives. It is hard for me to accept that with faith and to not worry about it.

So since I haven't been able to control when I have children, I should really concentrate on how I am serving God now. The last couple years have been difficult. I keep signing my teaching contract promising myself that it is for the last time. I give myself deadlines and reasons why in a year or two I won't agree to teach again. I've always said that if the school grew enough that I wouldn't have to teach multiple grade levels, then I would stay. Now I'm realizing that this probably won't happen very soon.

I'm not saying that I don't love teaching, but my job is very stressful and involves much work. I work from 7:30am to at least 4:30pm every afternoon. I also have several hours of work that I take home each week. I figure that it averages out to about 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. At school I take a fifteen minute break for lunch, then I get back to work. I never have time to sit in a teachers' lounge (not that we have one). Yesterday was my spring break and I spent 6 hours of it planning, grading papers, and averaging grades. Yuck!! After six years of this I am ready to quit. The problem is that I haven't found a better way to use my talents. That's why I signed a contract to teach for another year.

I think another reason that I stay is that there is another teacher who is a good friend of mine. She is also married with no children yet. She and her husband aren't really trying yet, but they know that she could get pregnant at any time. We've talked about how fun it would be if we were pregnant together. I think that if she did get pregnant, and I didn't, that I would quit teaching at the school.

I think right now I should just wait and pray and see how the test results some back. Perhaps the results will give me some answers about what to do with myself.