Easter is a time to remember life. Christians remember the resurrection of Christ, how he was brought to life after his death on earth. Easter is during the springtime, when new life springs from ground that once looked dead and cold. This year Easter is in April, the month I was born. April comes from the word that means "to open" as in the opening of spring. Spring has always been my favorite season, but lately it has failed to bring the new life I eagerly desire.

The women who went to Christ's tomb early Easter morning were surprised to find that Christ's body was no longer there. It took them a while to realize that Christ had indeed been raised from the dead, and that brought them much excitement. This year's Easter morning brought me no surprises, and the only excitement (one of the greatest excitements of all time) was in remembering Christ's resurrection. What I found yesterday morning, the news of the morning for me, was that my cycle was ending. There was no new life growing inside me. The only thing that was new was that a new cycle was beginning. There was a hope of new life, but unlike the springtime, there was no promise that the next cycle would bring new life.

My dreams are still sitting there, but life is going on. I'm still trying to live my life and to remember that the only reason I have life is because Christ saved me from death by paying for my sins. He conquered death and sin and brought me eternal life. Here I am feeling bad for myself, and look what He did....He bore his people's sins! He endured so much. It makes me so humble.

Let me change the topic and go back a to a few days ago. I flew to Rhode Island for my much deserved spring break. The first thing I found out when I got there was that I had started spotting. I spent my whole time in Rhode Island spotting. It was an annoying reminder of my non-pregnant status. It wasn't all bad though. I had a great time while I was away. The best thing about my visit with my friend was that she was so sensitive to how I was feeling. She is my age (28) and has no children and doesn't plan to have any for at least three years. For her it seems like every other Navy wife has children. Sometimes it's hard for her to be with the other wives because all they seem to talk about is pregnancy and children. It was so nice for me because we didn't have to talk about those things, and if we did it was from the perspective of someone without children.

There were two incidents that happened where I was very much aware of my childless state, and where my friend was very understanding. The first one occurred when my friend took me to the doctor's office. While she was at her appointment with the doctor, I remained in the waiting room. All the doctors use the same waiting area, whether they are pediatricians, general practitioners, or gynecologists. Anyway, because of this, there were people and children of all ages. By the time my friend returned I was stuck near to women who were looking at their children and baby and comparing their experiences. There was nothing wrong with this, and I'm sure someday I'd love to do the same thing myself. It just wasn't something I wanted to hear at the moment. I tried to continue reading my two-month-old issue of People, but I couldn't keep it from blocking out the happy conversation going on around me. When my friend returned, I thanked her for rescueing me from the baby and children conversation. I told her that I had thought about getting up and sitting somewhere else, but I didn't want to appear rude. Would it have been rude to sit elsewhere? I don't know, but I sure didn't feel comfortable sitting where I was.

The other incident was at my friend's church. We attended a ladies' Bible study. One of the ladies wanted to give an illustration about toddlers. She started by asking if we all had children. My friend and I shook our heads. We were the only ones of the ten ladies there without children. She then went on to explain how toddlers want to do things on their own, even when they are not capable. After they try, then they find that they really can't do it on their own and need their parents to help. Doesn't everyone knew that young children are like that? I knew that, and I'm not a mother? Why did this woman have to act like we were complete idiots and knew nothing about children because we had none of our own? Why did she have to draw attention to our childlessness? There was no reason to do that. She could have just given her illustration by explaining how her son acted or how toddlers often act. My friend and I felt really bad that that had happened, and brought it up later that day. I was glad that she had noticed and told her I appreciated how sensitive she was to my feelings. Too bad she's not with me every Sunday when I go to church. It would be nice to have there. We could have great conversations that didn't revolve around children.

While I was traveling I read two books about couples who adopted. A couple of them even had biological children after adopting their first child. That gave me something to think about. My husband and I could adopt a child first, and then look into starting fertility treatments again afterwards. I think I'd rather finish all treatments first, but still, it gives me something to think about. Four weeks from now I'll probably be calling up my RE and making plans for my next treatment in June. I'll try not to look farther ahead than that. It's easier to take things in steps, not in leaps.