It seems like it has been ages since I last wrote. I had a great time with my sister. We went out and did something every day. There wasn't much opportunity for me to think about wanting to be pregnant. In fact if I had a baby there would have been many things we couldn't have done. I took lots of pictures, so I'll have to post some pictures once I get them developed. I'm waiting for my husband to finish painting the house so I can take an "after" photo and fill up the roll.

While most of the last week consisted of being a tourist, there were a few things that occurred that related to trying to get pregnant.

First of all, I'm not pregnant. I started spotting the day after I got to California, and my period came full force on Saturday. The only good thing in all this was that I only spotted for three days (rather than 4-6) and that hadn't happened in many months.

I really enjoyed listening to my sister's minister. In the morning he spoke on Ecclesiastes 3. That's the portion of scripture that speaks about how everything has a time. "A time to be born and a time to die" was the part that really caught my attention. The minister spoke about how everything has a time and a purpose. There is a time and a purpose for my child to be born. We often don't know why or when things will happen, but God does. He is good and faithful.

While listening to the sermon and thinking about when I get pregnant I was thinking about my parents. They have had many health problems since I have gotten married. My parents hardly complain; they have such strong faith in God. Even while they were suffering from aches and pains they continued to be as active and upbeat as possible.

My dad nearly died when he had a cardiac arrest soon after my wedding and took quite a while to recover from the resulting heart surgery. He is so much more active now, four years later.

My mom has PPH (primary pulmonary hypertension), high blood pressure in her lungs. She was at her worst six years ago when I graduated from college. Since I have been married she has been getting stronger and healthier. This year was the first time in six years that she planted flowers in the front yard.

My dad is retired, and my mom plans to retire in two years. If I have a baby in a couple of years my mom will be able to come and visit me. She would never have been able to do that two years ago when I thought it was time to have a baby. Maybe my parents' health is one reason that God's time and purpose for me to have a baby is later rather than sooner.

Sunday my husband called me and I told him to make the appointment for my HSG (dye test) on Monday of the following week. That would be day 10 of my cycle, the last day that they suggest having the HSG done.

Monday my husband called after trying to make my doctor appointment and told me that they only do HSG's on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. He thought maybe I could do it the Wednesday after I got back (today) since it would be day 5 of my cycle, the earliest day they do the HSG. I had to explain to him that my periods usually last 6 days and that they said to cancel if you were spotting the day before the appointment. So for me I could only do the test on days 7, 8, 9, and 10. None of those days fall on a day they perform the test. We came to the conclusion that I might have to wait until next month.

Soon my husband called again. He had told the receptionist my problem, and she had called my doctor at the other office. The doctor had said it would be okay for me to have the test on Tuesday, July 8, which would be day 11 of my cycle. I was relieved that a date was finally set!

My husband also had to make an appointment for both of us to see the doctor again after my test. With the doctor's vacation and our vacation to Washington state coming up, the soonest we will be able to see him is Monday,August 11. That really isn't setting us back much because my next fertile time after the HSG will be at the end of our vacation, so we wouldn't be able to do any procedures then anyway.

So now that all the appointments are made, I must wait again. We have two cycles to try to get pregnant on our own before possibly getting help from our doctor.

I'm not sure how seriously I'm going to try to time things during that time. I may not even tell my husband when I am fertile, and just see what happens. I really am sick of having to think about when the best time is for me to get pregnant. I think it would be nice to take a break from thinking about it.

I haven't taken my temperature since I left for California, but I plan to start again in the next couple of days. Even if I don't tell my husband about what's going on in my cycle, I still want to know what's happening.

On my flight home my mind started wandering from the book I was reading. I started thinking about how badly I want to be pregnant. I didn't want to start another pity party for myself, but for some reason my mind wanted to think about the future and all the what-ifs. All these questions were popping up in my head:

What if the HSG shows that a tube is blocked? Will they do another test to see if it really is blocked? If both tubes were blocked would I need surgery or would we start adoption procedures?

What if the HSG show that my tubes are clear? Will we do an IUI the next cycle?

How often will the doctor do an IUI cycle? Every other month?

Will I get pregnant from an IUI? If I don't get pregnant when will we stop doing IUI's? After 4 tries? After 6 tries?

If the IUI's don't work what will the next step be? Would GIFT (gamete intrafallopian tranfer) be an option? Would we decide not to try IVF?

If I'm still not pregnant after we try all the options we are willing to try, how long should we wait before adopting? Two years from now? More than that?

Yes, all these questions were there. I tried to keep reading my book. It was a nice Christian fiction book from my church library. I knew it was pointless to ask those questions. Only God knew the answers, and I tried my best to get them out of my mind. They did distract me, and I had to re-read some paragraphs. I could almost feel some tears forming in my eyes. After a time, God helped my mind to focus, and I was able to prevent those feelings of self-pity from coming out.

Now that those questions are written down, I hope that they will stop wandering around in my mind. I have discovered in the past that writing things down allows my mind to rest from its worries.