Last night and the night before I didn't sleep well. All I could think about was my husband and I and our infertility and how I should be responding as a Christian. I almost got up to write an entry in my journal, but I just thought about what to write instead.

On Friday we met with some good friends and I was able to speak privately with my friend who has experienced infertility. It was nice to have someone to share with who understands what I'm going through, although I had a difficult time keeping from crying. She has had all those tests and procedures and has dealt with trying to work around her work schedule to drive an hour away for an appointment that must be on a certain day. She said I could talk to her any time and that she's praying for me. I can use all the prayers I can get.

I also got to hold another friend's 4 month old baby. He was so cute and good. Later I got the pleasure of having a little three year old grab my hand and walk with me down the street the the fireworks down the road. It was nice to have a little taste of what motherhood is like.

Yesterday I went to the public library and got three books on infertility. One was a book for Christians trying to cope with infertility. Its called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky. I had heard that it was an excellent book. I read the whole book in two sittings, and it definitely was as uplifting as I had heard.

The ideas that were really helpful to me were:
1.) Continue living your life and doing the things you enjoy while undergoing infertility treatments.
2.) Cry when you feel like it. Even Jesus wept when His friend Lazarus died.
3.) Your husband and yourself are a family. You are complete. After God created Adam and Eve He said that it was good.

One of the other books I got was on male factor infertility and the other was a general infertility book. Reading parts of the male infertility book before I went to bed was a bad idea. It told me that IUI's usually aren't as successful if there are less than 2 million motile (moving) sperm after they are washed. It makes me worry whether having an IUI would work for us. I also read that if the morphology is less than 4% normal (ours is 2%)that regular IVF isn't very successful either. Now I worry that the doctor will be pushing us to do IVF-ICSI, where they use a hollow glass needle to place an individual sperm into an egg to fertilize it, rather than putting an egg in a petri dish with around 1 million sperm.

I shouldn't be jumping ahead and trying to expect the doctor to say the worst. The more conservative possibility is that the doctor will want to try different things to increase my husband's sperm count and quality or to see what could be causing it. I guess I'm really hoping that he will take this view and concentrate on improving our chances if we choose to do a more high-tech precedure.

Yesterday I picked up the antibiotic pill I have to take before my HSG on Tuesday. I had to pay $8.25 for one, yes one, 250mg pill. What a rip-off. My insurance requires me to pay the first $20 for each name brand prescription and $10 for generic. Too bad I couldn't pay $20 and get a 14 day supply for the next time I get sick from an infection.

When I got home from the library and drug store, I was reading the paper from the doctor about the HSG. It said, "The incidence of conception is increased for several cycles after the HSG, indicating that there may be some therapeutic value." I had heard that people tend to get pregant right after an HSG, but I had forgotten about it. So later that day, while my husband and I were surveying our garden, I told him how we would have an increased chance of conceiving following my HSG. Now that I have told him this, I guess we should be trying to time things right the next couple of cycles. This could be the opportunity we need.

I'm not denying the sovereignty of God here; I know he's the one who will ultimately decide if we get pregnant. But when you have a little more hope, you get a little more excited and eager to keep trying. I won't get my hopes up too high, because with our latest sperm analysis I've calculated that our mathematical chances of conceiving each cycle are less than 1%, and probably closer to 1/2%.

The sermon was good this morning. Our minister spoke on what it means to be a Christian, a follower of Christ. He said that following Christ is more important than being born, becoming an adult, getting married, growing old, and dying. I wanted to add "having children" to his list! Yes, Christ is all I really need. May I be a Christian who professes Christ's name and gives Him all the glory.