Every time I am listening to the sermon in church I try to find some way to apply it to my situation of not having children. Today's sermon would have been a stretch, but one verse did stick in my mind. It has to do with not complaining or grumbling. I'm really trying hard not to complain about my situation. I want to be able to see the good in every situation.

In church I usually try to avoid talking to the young mothers. I would rather talk to the ladies with school age children. They don't talk about babies and pregnancy. Hearing that is too much for me to handle right now. I used to NOT be able to cry about this, but now I fear that I will start to cry if I'm in the right situation. I don't want to cry in public and make a scene. I'd rather not have the general public know about my private business.

It ended up on Friday that I really did start spotting. The good thing in that situation is that I can be excited about starting a new cycle soon. This next one won't be disturbed by doctor's appointments. We'll be on vacation. My opinion is that if we feel like trying, we can, otherwise we'll be seeing the doctor a week or so after ovulation. At that point we can start to get more serious.

I still worry every day about what the doctor is going to say to us. I fear that we will never be able to have children of our own, children that are related to us and look like us.

I'm so impatient too. I want to know everything now. I want to know how many kids my husband and I will be able to have, or even if we will be able to have them. And I want to know WHEN it will happen. I feel like I have waited so long already, and I know it really isn't that long.

If only I could make all these thoughts go away. Is it wrong of me to think about my desires to have a baby every day? It seems to me that it is a normal and natural thing for someone in my situation. What is important to me is that I think and act in a way that is pleasing in God's sight. I don't want my desire for a child to become more important to me that my desire to serve Him.

I'm crying right now, but it's not for myself. I just got this ecard from a friend we saw last night. She offered to do some girl things with me next month, and it was really what I needed. So many of my friends have kids to drag along, but with her it'll just be us girls. I don't mind the kids, but it's much easier to do things and plan without them around.