I've got to let this out. It's been festering inside me for the last week or so, and today it just got worse.

I haven't had these feelings for a long time. Maybe because no one in my church has had a baby since we got my daughter. A couple cousins have had babies and my friend from school had her baby (all girls, by the way), but that didn't bother me.

What really is bothering me is that all the people that I know who are trying to get pregnant and who have sought medical help are now getting pregnant. When I was trying to get pregnant hardly anyone at church was dealing with infertility. There was just the one girl who had a laparoscopy and had it announced in the church bulletin. She moved away a little over a year ago.

Later I heard of several other couples that were supposedly having trouble. One had a baby girl in June. I'm not sure if she had medical help or not. Then there was another couple I heard were having difficulties. I heard she had had a miscarriage and was seeking medical help. They are now pregnant with triplets due in May. Then there was the couple whose husband talked to my husband about adoption. They were interested in international adoption, but were seeking medical help first. They are now pregnant and due in July. There's also the couple with the wife that has epilepsy and who currently have no heath insurance. She accidentally got pregnant and is also due in July.

So now nearly everyone is pregnant. All that is left is the girl who had two miscarriages around the time my sister-in-law had hers - about a year ago, I think. To top it all off, I also heard of a second cousin of my husband who just got pregnant with her second child through IVF. I know we chose not to do IVF, but that's just another person with infertility getting pregnant.

So, now we get to tonight. The minister announces during the church service that the couple who moved away called him last week to say that they are now expecting a baby. The minister went on about how wonderful it is since they had prayed for this for such a long time.

I was hurt and angry because another infertile couple was getting pregnant, and hubby was mad because the minister announced the pregnancy from the pulpit. They never announce pregnancies from the pulpit; they are always announced in the church newsletter. Besides, this couple is no longer a member of our church.

As much as I love my daughter and as happy as I am to have had the opportunity to adopt such a wonderful little person, it hurts to feel left out. It hurts to be the only one in my church with an adopted child who is still a child. There are several adults in my church who were adopted, but no children. All the people who were adopted are older than me. I don't like to be different from the norm. I don't like my child to be different from the norm.

It hurts me that I don't know anyone who in the last ten years had no previous biological children, went through infertility treatments, and eventually adopted. I know two people who adopted domestically because the wife had health issues and avoided pregnancy on purpose. I know of another couple who couldn't get pregnant and adopted two kids from Guatemala without seeking fertility treatments. The closest I can think of to my situation is my cousin's cousin who I'm guessing had infertility treatments, adopted a son, and had a surprise pregnancy afterwards.

It's not that I want to be pregnant anymore. I don't even keep track of my cycles now; I don't know what my cycle day is anymore. I don't know how much I even like the idea of having a biological child as well as an adopted one. Sometimes I think maybe we should try to prevent a pregnancy, but when I remember how unlikely it would be for us to even concieve a child, I decide that birth control would not even be worth the effort. I think the only reason now that I would want to have a biological child now is to experience pregnancy. Now that I know it's possible for me to love a child that doesn't share my genes, I see no reason to pursue fertility treatments. I don't think I even miss being pregnant. I think what I really miss is being like everyone else. I've always yearned to fit in with the other women my age, and this is one area where I have no control whatsoever.

The question I keep asking myself is, "Why me?" "Why did I have to become a parent in a different way than everyone else?" "Why did something that is an accident for some have to be nearly impossible for me when I'm trying as hard as I can?"

The only way I can feel better about these infertile families getting pregnant is to tell myself that since they aren't adopting, there will be more babies available for me and others who can't get pregnant.

There's just one more thing that's bugging me. The couple having the triplets are a wonderful couple. A quiet and reserved couple, a lot like my husband and me. I have no issues with them, just what the church is doing for them. They are listing used items the couple could use, doing a diaper drive, and asking for extra meals (more than the standard two per baby). They are also inviting all the ladies of the church to a shower.

I have no problem with with the extra meals and the donated items, but I do have a problem with the shower. Our church doesn't do baby showers. Apparently if you have three babies at once you get a shower. It just doesn't seem fair to me, so I don't plan to go. If people want to give gifts they can do it on their own. A few families from church gave us gifts for our daughter. I will probably volunteer to prepare a meal or two. I know their hands will be full, so a homemade meal will be necessary during those early weeks with the babies. I might donate diapers. I'm not sure though, because to me it doesn't seem fair either. You see, it's all about fairness. They'll buy just as many disposable diapers with three at once as families with three separate births. I can totally understand donating used items like high chairs. Only families with triplets need three high chairs at once. I can't help with that though since we are still using the items being requested.

Okay, that wasn't the last thing that bugs me, there's still one more thing that my talk about equal treatment and fairness reminded me. My husband an I still feel a little left out because we never got that all important visit from the minister when we got our baby. Everyone else gets a visit in the hospital. Our minister and his family even visited my friend from school at the hospital when she had her baby (of course his daughter was in her class, but that shouldn't matter because his other daughter had been in my class). He isn't even her minister! Another example of the adoptive parent being treated differently.

I'm just not feeling very special today. I hope this feeling goes away soon.

I'll end on a good note. My neighbor across the street called yesterday and told me that her cousin is planning to adopt domestically. I think she and her husband are already approved by an agency and waiting to adopt. My neighbor asked if she could give her cousin my email address so she could possibly contact me and hear my story or ask questions. I hope I hear from her and am able to give her some help and encouragement.