I wish I could cry! Why can't I cry? Why can't I get pregnant? My life is so ready for him or her to join it. I have a home with bedrooms waiting to be used and a wonderful husband who loves kids and will be a great dad. He has a good job that can support us so I can stay at home and raise our children. We have a great church and church family. We have loving and supportive Christian families. Every month I have this disappointment, and every month I want to be able to express that emotion and just cry it all out. But I just can't cry. My thoughts take up my whole mind. It's all I can think about. I can't believe how bad I might be if I didn't have a job to distract me. I would probably have the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility memorized! I hope that writing this all out will help. I'll also have to have a long talk with God today during my prayer time.

Why do I want to cry? Well, last night I discovered that I was spotting. That's exactly what happened on day 23 last cycle! Why is my body so regular and so predictable, but it can't get pregnant? My temperature went down this morning too. Down to 98.0 degrees.

Now that AF basically here...she'll come with full force in a few days...all I have to look forward to is my doctor's appointment two weeks from today.

I've thought a lot and researched a lot about what could be causing our problems.

These are the facts about my cycles based on the last 9 1/2 months:
- average cycle length (mean): 26 days
- mode (length of most cycles): 27 days
- shortest cycle: 24 days
- longest cycle: 27 days
- range of day of ovulation: day 11-15
- length of luteal phase: 12-14 days
- EWCM: yes, 1-4 days each cycle
- length of menstral period (red flow): 4-6 days
- length of spotting before period: 1-6 days (usually 2-4)
- length of spotting after period: 1-3 days (usually 2)
- length of period with spotting: 8-12 days (usually 9-10)
- days of high temps before spotting begins: 7-11 days
(this worried me...TCOYF says it should be at least 10 days)

My summary: I have a normal cycle length. My periods seem so long because I have so many days of spotting. My luteal phase may be too short because I spot so early.

My diagnosis for myself (if I was a doctor): progesterone supplements to increase the length of my luteal phase

I'm also concerned about my husband. He works in greenhouses much of the day. He sweats a lot. It it too warm for his sperm? His brother recently had varicocles surgery. Could my husband have that too?

My diagnosis for my husband: have his sperm count taken

I'm eager to see what my doctor thinks. Now that my two week wait (tww) is over to see if I'm pregnant, I can have another tww to see my doctor.

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From out the depths I cry, O Lord, to Thee,
Lord, hear my call.
I love Thee, Lord, for Thou dost heed my plea,
Forgiving all.
If Thou dost mark our sins, who then shall stand?
But grace and mercy dwell at Thy right hand.

I wait for God, the Lord, and on His Word
My hope relies;
My soul still waits and looks unto the Lord
Till light arise.
I look for Him to drive away my night,
Yea, more than watchmen look for morning light.

Hope in the Lord, ye waiting saints, and He
Will well provide;
For mercy and redemption full and free
With Him abide.
From sin and evil, mighty though they seem,
His arm almighty will His saints redeem.