My waiting families meeting last week was cancelled because only three people were going to attend. They hope to postpone and try again this summer. I really was looking forward to it

My pastor's wife caught me today at school to ask about if we had heard anything lately, and all I could say is that we've heard nothing and that our meeting was cancelled. The lack of action is starting to get me down.

The only interesting thing this week is that it appears that I'm going to have a long cycle this month. Long for me is 28 days. I've only had one cycle that long in the last year. My average length over the last 12 cycles is 25.6 days. I expect my period to come tomorrow as I've been spotting a few days already. At least I'm recovering from the bad cold I had over the weekend. A cold mixed with my period would not be fun.

I had no signs of when I ovulated this month; normally I get very clear signs. There were a couple of days when I started wondering if I could possibly be pregnant. It was nice to imagine it, but it was way too early to consider it.

It's funny how I no longer can imagine myself pregnant. Whenever I see the word "maternity" in clothing stores or magazines I avert my eyes and think negative thoughts. I won't get to wear maternity clothes, so I don't want to think of them as good things. I've programmed myself to avoid the clothes and the women wearing them. If I don't look I won't be reminded of what I'm going to miss.

I laugh at friends' children when they do cute things, but rarely at those of strangers. I want to use that laughter for my own children, yet I feel I am forced to only laugh at others' kids. I hold my laughter in because I'm feeling sad for myself. I tell myself to at least smile, to be friendly and not so rude. I try it. It helps and makes me not feel so bad. Sometimes I don't feel like such a nice person.

The stagnancy of this adoption process is killing me. I often feel like things were before, when we were trying to conceive. Every month was the same and soon days and weeks had turned into months, and soon those months turned into years. Right now I look ahead and I can't imagine an adoption realistically happening until this time next year or even later. I don't want to wait that long...

"Lord," I plead, "please spare me from all this waiting...I don't know how much longer I can bear it."