Last night we went to our favorite Christian bookstore. The last time we were there I wasn't able to find any books on infertility until I looked in the used books section. This time I found two new books I had never seen before.

One was a book of meditations for couples who desire children. I should have written down more information because I've searched for the title and author on the Internet and haven't been able to find it. It had short devotions of about two pages. It seemed okay, but after a quick glance I decided that it didn't have much substance to it that would be of help to me and my husband. For instance, not all the meditations seemed to deal with infertility. Of course I didn't spend much time looking at this book, and it may be a really helpful book to someone, but for me it didn't seem worth paying the $12.00.

The other book I found, which I ended up buying, was "Infertility: Finding God's Peace in the Journey" by Lois Flowers. It's a new book, published this year by Harvest House Publishers. Just from reading the title I knew the book was for me. I have named my diary "Journey to Motherhood" and I have written in the past about finding that "Perfect Peace." After scanning a few pages I found that the author had endometriosis, had tried three IUIs, and then had stopped treatment after deciding that IVF wasn't something she and her husband wanted to do. After I read that, it seemed even more like it was the book for me.

I started reading the book last night and finished it this morning before church. What I love about this book is that it isn't about what causes infertility or what the different treatment options are. This book is all about God's sovereignty and finding peace with the path he has chosen for you. It also discusses how to deal with family and friends that may be causing you pain. It speaks of prayer, of what to do while you wait, and of how to let go of the intense desire to have a biological child.

It gave me a lot to think about. It's gotten me thinking once again about what God wants me to do with my life. How does He want me to serve Him? We still have about four more tries with the IUIs, and then what? My husband has made it clear that he's not interested in IVF. I lean toward not doing it also. If we do go ahead with it, I would only want to try it once. I would want to do it like two different couples I have read of. One couple decided to only try to fertilize six eggs, and none fertilized. Another couple, mentioned in Lois Flower's book, had three embryos after trying to fertilize seven of them. They ended up having twins and didn't have to freeze any embryos. I don't think I want to talk to my husband about these things yet. Maybe after a couple more IUIs.

Another thing which I started to think about again is my teaching job. If we complete our infertility treatments this summer, will I want to continue teaching? I'm thinking, NO. Even if we decide not to pursue adoption right away, I don't think I want to continue teaching. There's so many other things that I want to do. Maybe I'm getting bored or burned out from teaching. I don't know. It just seems like I'm losing that joy of teaching. When I read that Lois Flowers had quit her job because she really didn't enjoy the stress, and was only staying there because she was waiting to get pregnant, I thought of myself and my current situation. If I had gotten pregnant I would have left my job long ago. I probably would be able to do at least some of the things that I now can only dream of doing.

What I'd love to do is to volunteer at the school as a tutor or art teacher, to work at a craft store, to brush-up on my painting skills and paint murals in people's homes, and/or to work at a greenhouse transplanting flowers. There's all these things I want to do besides teaching.

What's holding me back? The uncertainty...the decrease in income...the people who won't understand...concern that I'll become lazy. It's scary to make changes, but maybe I need to start thinking seriously about making some changes in my occupation.

I have some time to think about this, teaching contracts don't come out until March. But I'd like to have my mind made up before then. I just have to wait for the right time to speak to my husband about all this.

See what happens when I read a good book? It gets me thinking about the things I've been trying to ignore.