It seems like forever since I've written here. I know it's only been five days, but for me that's a good sign that I'm not too stressed about where I happen to be in my cycle. Or it could mean that the guests I've had the last three days have kept my mind distracted.

Anyway, right now I am relatively unstressed. I've been continuing to chart, but since the temperatures are pretty normal, there's nothing to concern or excite me. I still think a lot about wanting to have a child, but now I tend to think more about adopting a child.

I think to avoid the disappointment of another failed pregnancy attempt my mind has decided to concentrate on adoption. To me right now it seems like that's how it's going to end up. I've been spending more time than normal looking at adoption web sites. Adoption stories are great to read. Too bad I never see many of them on TV. I can't stand watching A Baby Story. It depresses me because it's so sickeningly happy. I do like to watch Maternity Ward though. It seems to give a more realistic view of pregnancy and childbirth.

A week ago when I met with my friend with the twins (originally triplets) we started talking about prayer. During the time she was in the hospital after she lost one of her triplets, she said that she couldn't pray for herself. She prayed for others and had faith that God would help them, but she felt that God wouldn't help her. For her it seemed like nothing ever seemed to go right for her when it came to having children. Why pray? It felt useless to her.

I feel that way too at times. I pray for my friends and ask God to help them, but I find it much harder to pray for myself. I've been really trying to have more faith that He will hear my requests and grant me what I need.

I want to be pregnant, but more than that I want to have my infertility resolved. It's so hard to be stuck where I am, not knowing if I will ever get pregnant, not knowing how long to try, not knowing when to stop. I know it will all be resolved sometime. Yes, my journey will come to an end.

Sometimes I wonder.....will this journal turn into a pregnancy diary......or will it be one for adoption?