Once again I'm having a cycle where I'm really not too concerned about whether or not I'll be pregnant. I'm in the beginning stages of coming to accept the fact that I may never give birth to my own child.

I was watching Extreme Makeover last night and they were showing a 25-year-old woman who had given birth to two children, her first at the age of 15. My husband couldn't believe the stretch marks and loose skin she had on her belly. She spoke of her breasts that sagged from breastfeeding. The whole time I was thinking, "What if I get pregnant? Will my body look like hers?" I know that pregnancy can change your body, but it scared me to imagine how much it could change.

I've read about mothers who go out with their newly adopted infants. People are complimenting them on how great they look so soon after giving birth. The adoptive mothers don't always like to say that the baby is adopted, because it is so nice to be a part of such a normal conversation. If I was in that situation, I wonder if I would admit my secret for staying thin.

I often think about adoption, and the feeling is a good one. With my job, IVF isn't an option until summer, 2005. I realize now that I don't want to wait that long without any treatment and with only a minute possiblity of getting pregnant. Maybe I've known it all along, but I now know that becoming a mother is more important to me than having a biological child. I don't want to spend another year in waiting. I'm already sick of waiting for four months to pass before starting up treatments again.

Of course I still have a hard time when I hear about other women I know getting pregnant. I've heard about two more pregnancies in the last week. Although I have bad feelings, I haven't cried lately. I haven't felt that low. I'm sad, but I'm able to keep my emotions under control.

I think I'll be ready to start the adoption journey this coming fall if our treatments this summer fail. I'm not sure how my husband will feel about this, but I think I'll have a good chance of getting the ball rolling if I take him to an information meeting at the adoption agency in September. I also think that all the information I've been accumulating through my reading will be helpful too.

In nine or ten I'll be calling my doctor to make plans for our next IUI, and here I am thinking about adoption. Maybe the IUIs will work, but I'm not holding out much hope anymore. I'm placing most of my hope in adoption now.