There's a lot on my mind today, so this entry is going to be a long one.

Yesterday I experienced many different emotions. First I was happy, anticipating a nice outing that we were going to have that evening. I'll explain the details of that later. Then my spirits dropped. My husband came home and told me that my sister-in-law is going to have another baby in January. Yes, I did know that she was trying, but I had hoped and hoped that it wouldn't happen until I was pregnant. Well, she is pregnant, and I'm having trouble figuring out how to control my emotions. There is disappointment for me, while joy for her. How can you have two emotions at once?

When the mail came that afternoon there was a check from my insurance company. I was amazed that they had covered all but $17 of our $160 dollar appointment with the RE. My insurance doesn't even cover infertility! It arrived so quickly too, only five days. It usually takes a couple weeks to a couple months before my insurance company sends me anything!

We left that afternoon on a mission. We were going to find the RE's main office, where my husband will have his semen analysis on Wednesday, and the hospital where I will have my HSG next month. There's a Christian book store near there that we love to visit, so we planned to go there too.

Our mission was accomplished, and we found all the places we wanted to find. At the Christian bookstore I looked for books on infertility. What section do you find books like that? I looked in every area I could think of: family, marriage, women, encouragement, and health. I found a book on miscarriage in the encouragement section. In the family section, I found two books on adoption. Why couldn't I find anything on infertility? I know that such books exist, and I even have a list of some that are currently in print at home. I couldn't let myself return home without something to guide me though my mixed-up emotions.

What my husband and I really like about this particular Christian bookstore is that it has a used book section. I moved on to this section, knowing that it would be very difficult to find anything since books are arranged alphabetially by author, not by topic.

In my heart I prayed to God, asking Him to allow me to find some books on Christian couples and infertility. He answered my prayer, and I was able to find two books. I was so eager to get home and start reading them.

One book is "When a Husband Is Infertile: Options for the Christian Couple" by Byron C. Calhoun, M.D. I skimmed this book a little, and I think I'll find it helpful. Its copyright date is 1994.

The other book I found is "A Hope Deferred: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Infertility" by Jill Baughan. It is a little out of date medically since its copyright is 1989, but the information about dealing with infertility as a Christian couple is wonderful. Last night I read all but the last chapter of the book. It gave some great ideas which I plan to implement soon. It also mentioned things that I already have been doing.

There were so many great suggestions, and it will take me a while to sort through them all and decide how I will implement them. One thing I plan to start, sometime this week, is what Baughan calls a "joybook". There you write down all the good things that happened that day. So soon I will have another diary! This one will be much less anonymous, and I plan to keep it passworded.

One thing that Baughan suggested that I have been doing is reading everything you can get your hands on about infertility. Yes, I am a bookworm, and it has been very helpful with our visits at the RE.

She says that writing your feelings down in a journal is good too. Of course you already know I'm doing that:)

Baughan stresses how easy it is for those who are infertile to become very self-centered. She said that praying for others can help with that. I really have been praying a lot for others the last few months. It has been wonderful to see God work in the lives of my friends.

You can also prevent self-centeredness by giving of your time or talents to others. I have been trying to do this by growing flowers and vegetables in my garden and giving them to others. At times I struggle with how to use my talents for God. I really should continue to seek more ways to use them in helping others.

I figured last night was going to be my last fertile night. I had also told my husband about the nurse's suggestions, but when we went to bed he was so tired. He was just lying there. I was tired myself, but I was willing to do what was necessary to try for a baby if he was. I held on to him for ten minutes hoping that he would get out of his sleepy daze and remember what he had to do, but he didn't.

It was probably good though, because my eyes were tearing up, and I was full of pity for myself. I wasn't really in any condition to try and make a baby.

I was still full of self-pity this morning. All through the church service I felt the need to cry. I had to keep back the tears that wanted to form in my eyes. I tried so hard to concentrate on the minister's message. I hated the way I was feeling.

After the service I was determined not to talk to my newly pregnant sister-in-law or to my mother-in-law who I expected to be full of baby talk. God helped me through that problem. When I walked out I ran into a good friend of mine. We talked about about VBS, and went downstairs to look at materials we will use tomorrow. As I left church I saw my sister-in-law talking to her cousin and said hi as I passed by.

When we got home my husband asked if the girl my sister-in-law was talking to was pregnant. Of course I had no idea since I hadn't talked to her. My husband apparently heard a part of their conversation and thinks she may be. If so, the next baby boom at church has begun. May God grant me strength to deal with this.

Thankfully after we ate dinner my self-pity was gone. I am feeling much better now. I'm a little worried about having my husband's family (including the pregnant sister-in-law) over tonight to celebrate Father's Day , but I know God will help me through it. I'll just try to act normal and smile.