I know it's been a while since I've written, but I just didn't feel up to it for a while. Besides, there really wasn't much to say. Here's what's been happening.

First of all, we weren't chosen by the potential birthmother who was considering us. We recieved the message from our social worker on June 10. That was the Friday of the week when the birthmother was to be looking at profiles. She told us that the potential birthmom had looked at 25 profiles from across the state. She didn't choose anyone from our office, and they had sent her six.

So, I learned two things: we didn't have very good odds of being chosen, and there are five other families in our office who fit what that potential birthmother was looking for.

The other thing our social worker told us is that there have been a number of inquiries lately with the birthmother counselor, but there aren't any women who will be looking at profiles any time soon.

Since then I've been trying to prepare myself for a summer without a baby. I'm trying to focus on the fall, hoping that sometime in the next five months a baby will come my way.

At a graduation party for a friend, I learned more about the couple that attended the first adoption meeting with us. They now have a baby at home. Their first adoption fell through, but now they have a little baby boy. I feel a bit left out that they got a baby before we did, but I also need to keep in mind that we have made choices that will limit the number of babies available us. We have prepared ourselves that our wait may be longer. We want to have a situation that will make us comfortable, one that will be in the best interest of our child. This is something we have thought through very carefully.

Yesterday I visited a friend who is camping with her cousin this week. My friend told her cousin that I'm adopting, and the cousin told me about a family she knows who is adopting a baby through a different agency than what I'm using The family doesn't want an open adoption, so they chose an agency near us that only does closed adoptions. I didn't know such an agency exsisted. Apparently the person who runs this other agency once worked for my agency. I'm interested in figuring out what this agency is, and if it really is true. The cousin thought that my agency only did open adoptions, but I made it clear to her that they do closed, semi-open, and open. I told her that there are not many closed adoptions, and that most adoptions are some form of semi-open.

School has been out for almost two weeks now. Last week I taught Vacation Bible School at church, and it went pretty well. This week is really my first official week of vacation. I can do whatever I want!! One thing I've been doing is working on a baby sweater I started knitting a long time ago. I actually ended up starting all over again because I found a mistake early in the project, and I decided that I really didn't like the collar. My new sweater is quite complex because I'm trying to change the pattern into one knit in the round. As I'm making it I'm discovering that it seems quite tiny. I checked the gauge before I started knitting it, but I haven't checked it since. I figure this is more of an experiment anyway. If this one is too small, I'll make a new and improved one in a larger size.

The news at church is that in the last two weeks two babies have been born. I've been trying to look at these births from the perspective that these babies could potentially become classmates and playmates of my child. I think there are currently two or three other pregnant women, but I'm trying to not be too concerned about it.

I've been wondering if my sister-in-law is pregnant yet. I looked carefully at her Sunday too see if there appeared to be any growth, but I didn't notice anything suspicious. I thought she might announce something at our Father's Day gathering, but she didn't say anything.

Father's Day was a strange day for me. Now that my dad is gone and my husband isn't a father, I didn't really think much about it. My husband even forgot to tell me about the gathering at his parents' house until that morning. The minister at church didn't say anything about Father's Day either. So it was almost a nonexsistant day, and I didn't really mind it at all.

A couple people have been reminding me how much life will change when I get a baby. One was the adoptive mom I know from school. I sat with her at the VBS lunch on Friday. She told me that if I need it I can borrow her crib and other baby stuff. The other person was the little girl from church that gave me the blanket. I sat by her at snack time one day at VBS. She wanted to know if I would get a baby baby. I told me that I will probably get a newborn. She wanted me to know that when I get a baby, it will cry a lot and even get me up at night. I thought it was cute that she felt the need to "prepare" me for what would happen.

I figured out the other day that satistically, based on the fact that I have unsuccessfully gotten pregnant for nearly five years (about 82 cycles), I have a 1.2% chance of getting pregnant during my next cycle. I told my friends yesterday that our infertility is 98.8% effective in preventing pregnancy. That's even better than some methods of birth control! We had a good laugh about it.

I had another laugh when my friend's cousin (the one my friend says, "pops them out.") said that maybe she's just lucky shes been able to have three kids, implying that maybe she's not so fertile either. I highly doubt that, but I am impressed that she feels lucky to have her kids. She doesn't appear to take her fertility for granted.

So, that's the latest with me. What's next? I'm just going to live my life and enjoy the summer. I'll pray for a baby and think about what it would be like to have one, but I'll try to be content with what I have.