My principal/friend called me Thursday. She wanted to tell me that she is pregnant. I told her I was kind of wondering about it. She said she understood why I might wonder since she hadn't had any more doctor's appointments. I told her how excited I was for her, and it was true. She said that she wanted to tell me first. I thanked her and told her that I wouldn't have wanted to find out through other people. The only ones she and her husband had told so far were their parents. She said that their reactions were already more than she wanted to deal with, so she's not looking forward to telling other people.

When she called me, she had just gotten back from an ultrasound at 8 � weeks. The baby (thankfully, there is only one) is attached quite high, so there is a small chance of problems (tubal pregnancy), but things will probably be okay.

Thursday night was a board meeting at school, and she decided that she was going to have to tell them that she's due to have a baby in January. She would like to teach for half of the school year, but she's not sure how that will all work since she is not only a teacher, but also an administrator. She has thought about maybe continuing some administrative duties after she has the baby, but that is really not what she wants to do. She figured that the board meeting was a perfect time to begin spreading the word about her pregnancy. Friday she and her husband were leaving for a two week vacation, so she was glad there wouldn't be people right away to fuss and ask questions. It would also give the board some time to think about what they want to do.

I told my principal/friend that I hope I get my baby in the next year, then we can have kids in the same class. We both think that will be really fun, since once we are no longer teaching, there won't be many opportunities for us to see eachother. We made plans to get together in late July, when her travel plans are done, and when my guests (my mom and sister, coming July 6-20) are gone.

She asked about the latest possible birthmother, and I told her that she didn't choose us, and that I'm not expecting to hear much from the agency for a while. I said that I'm just trying to keep busy and make plans for my brother's wedding (July 16) and the visit from my mom and sister. My husband and I are also planning a trip to the New England States probably in early August.

My husband and I were talking the other day that our trip this summer might be our last vacation out of state for a while. If we get a baby at Christmas we may not be able to take our usual trip to my family in Washington. I've always been able to plan our trips to Washington with certainty, so it's strange to not know for sure what we are doing at Christmas.

Thursday night was a birthday/anniversary dinner with my husband's parents and brothers and family. My husband made comments to his parents about how long the wait is for us to adopt. I said to them that he was getting a little down about that. Then my in-laws said nothing. We were driving in the car, they were sitting in the front, and we were in the back, but still I thought it was odd that they didn't say anything to console him. Maybe they didn't know what to say, or maybe they couldn't hear him. Strange.

When I got to bed Thursday night, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was how more things in my life are changing, but not the thing I want to change. It makes me feel like I'm selfish. I had all these questions running in my mind. I was wondering how my school life will change when my principal/friend leaves. She's been teaching with me for seven of the eight years I've taught. If she leaves everything will change. Change gets me nervous, and I worry that the new principal will cause me frustration. I'm not excited about it.

Still, I hope that I won't have to worry about the changes at school. I hope that I too will have a baby by January, and that we can both leave our teaching jobs so we can both fulfill our dreams of being parents. I also worry that after she leaves I'll still be there, and I can imagine a bad transition, one that will make me so unhappy that I'll want to leave.

I often have thought that if she left the school, I would leave too. I thought about that Thursday night when I was trying to sleep, and I decided that I'll continue to hope for a baby in the next year. If there is no baby by contract signing time in the spring, I will sign one, as long as I'm still happy teaching. If the new principal is too much to handle, I will leave, because the money is not worth the unhappiness.

I decided that there are two reasons to continue teaching. One is to keep myself occupied during the waiting process; the other is to earn money to pay for my future adoptions. I suppose there us a much deeper reason for teaching, one that has to do with God's calling for my life. I didn't think too much about that Thursday night. I'm thinking about it now, and I'm serious about following God's will for me.

A couple times while I was lying there Thursday my eyes teared up. It had been a long time since I had felt so close to the fringes of sadness, so close to desperation. I think that's how I feel right now: deperate. Desperate for a change, not for changES, but for a certain change. A change that will get me up in the middle of the night, a change that will bring me into the mommy club, a change that will be even more than what I can imagine or what others "warn" me about. I know it will be hard. I know it will be tiring. I know, I know, I know! But I'm ready and prepared to face it. I want to be a mom so much. So much that it makes me want to cry.