Thursday my period arrived. It was a little earlier than expected. I called the RE that morning to schedule a screening ultrasound for Friday morning. I also called the pharmacy to get refills for my medications. When my husband came home for lunch I dreaded telling him that the cycle had failed. Whenever I was about to tell him, I could feel myself on the verge of tears. Then I'd stop myself and not say anything. I decided to wait until the evening when we sat down for dinner together.

Dinnertime came, and I told him the sad news. I started crying, and he was sad too. He said he had hoped it would have worked by now, especially this last time with the better count. We talked a little about what we would do next. I told him that we still had one or two more IUI's to go. We talked a little about adoption, and I told him what I knew about the agency we want to work with. I said that I wanted to look into that right away if we stopped treatment; that I didn't want to sit around and do nothing. He agreed. He asked me if I still wanted to go ahead with the treatments yet. I told him that I do still want to try one or two more times yet.

I brought up the nurse's idea of having the sperm antibodies tests, and how I wasn't so sure about them. My husband agreed with me about putting those on hold, and seeing what the doctor has to say.

I was glad that we had the talk together, but it was a difficult thing to do. Next month we'll be in Seattle when my period is due, so we won't have much time alone to talk about things if the IUI is unsuccessful. I still don't know if a third IUI is planned or not, but if there is one, it looks as if it probably won't interfere with school. The IUI would probably be the weekend before school starts. Maybe I really am done with leaving during school hours for my RE appointments. Wouldn't that be nice?

Friday I went in for the ultrasound. It was the worst one I have ever had!! The resident woman was doing it. First I had to wait (with just a paper blanket on my lap) while the resident and nurse took about 10 minutes to figure out why the machine wasn't working. Then, because the machine was apparently showing "blurry" images, it took forever for her to find my left ovary. Then, she said that my chart showed that we needed sperm antibodies tests, and I told her that I wanted to talk to the doctor about it, because the RN had just talked to me about it for 30 seconds as I was paying my bill.

Finally I was able to get dressed and go to the "circle room" to find out what the plan was. No cysts were found, so the cycle could go on as planned. The resident also thought we should go ahead and do the sperm antibodies tests. I said that I wanted to know the reason for the tests. She gave me a two sentence explanation saying that antibodies affect or kill the sperm. Then I said that I didn't see why the tests needed to be done. I said I had done some reading. If antibodies were found, it didn't seem like the treatment would be any different from what we were already doing. She said it was a good question, and left me for 10 minutes to get me an answer.

When she came back she said that it wouldn't affect how they treat me, but it would affect how they treat my husband. I said, "That still doesn't answer my question." (All I wanted to know was HOW the treatment would be different.) She then said that we may be suggested to go right to IVF.

I don't understand!! The only reason the RN said we "needed" to do the sperm antibodies tests was if we weren't going to do IVF. Now if they do the tests and find antibodies, IVF will be recommended. This is all so pointless!!! I just want to go ahead and do these last couple cycles of IUI. Even if there are antibodies, this is our last chance to try something, and I don't want some little test to stop us.

After the resident said that finding antibodies might mean going on to IVF, I was really frustrated. My response to her was, "OK." I realized that she really knew nothing, and was probably just repeating what the RN was telling her. The resident filled out my medication plan for the IUI (the third one, I should add - she has a problem getting her dates correct.) and said I should schedule an estradol blood test and an ultrasound for Friday, June 2. She also thought that my husband could do the sperm antibodies test on Tuesday (tomorrow), and I could have blood drawn for sperm antibodies right then. I decided to go ahead and have the blood drawn. It wasn't worth the fight. My veins were small, and after one poke the nurse sent me to the across the street to the lab where the expert blood-drawing woman could do it with a "butterfly" needle.

Before I left, I went to the front desk and paid my bill. I scheduled my ultrasound (8:15 on Friday) and decided to talk to my husband first before scheduling the sperm antibodies test for him. The secretary brought up the talking to the husband idea, and I mentally thanked her for making it so easy to get out of scheduling the test - which they only do on Tuesdays, by the way. I still haven't talked to my husband about this - I'm sure he'll agree with me about waiting. It's not worth driving for two hours and being late for work. Besides, he has to abstain for a certain number of days, and that's too complicated with me having my period right now.

I went across the street and had the blood drawn. The blood lady was much nicer this time, and I was in and out of there within a few minutes. I was handed a tube of my blood, and walked back across the street to give it to the RE's office. After that I drove to the pharmacy and picked up my prescriptions.

Since then, I've given myself two injections of Gonal F. I'm much faster at mixing the Gonal F now, so it doesn't take too much time. I'm worried that some day I'll forget to take it. Yesterday I nearly forgot and ended up taking it an hour and a half later than I had planned.

I'm still a little worried about what the RN or resident will say on Friday when they realize that my husband didn't take the sperm antibodies test. I think I'll just say that we decided to wait a little while and put the test on hold.

I have more to say. I still want to write about Saturday's lake party. I'll do that later. This entry is already too long!