Yesterday the RE's office called about my antibodies blood test. It got me a little worried that they had called me, rather than waited to tell me when I came in again. They said there was a problems when they spun my blood, so they would have to do the test over and I would need my blood redrawn. Now I'm going in Thursday to have my blood drawn again, in addition to going on Friday for the estradol blood draw and ultrasound. I'm glad I'm not working anymore.

I told my husband on Monday about my discussion with the resident, and he supported my decision to put his sperm antibodies test on hold. He has great respect for our doctor, but he things some of the others who work there are just trying to find more ways to get money.

Flatline temperatures are wacky. Take a look at my fertility charts. For the last five days I've had the same waking temperature! It makes me feel like every day is the same, like I'm not getting anywhere. I'm sure that things are changing inside me. Hopefully those follicles are growing like crazy.

Sometimes I feel like we're not getting anywere in our effort to have children. Are we getting any closer? When will things change for us? I don't want our nest to be empty before it even gets full. I hope that things are changing inside me, that God is preparing me to be the mother He wants me to be. I hope He's planning the perfect little ones to fill our empty home.

The party at the lake on Saturday was fun. I knew there would be lots of kids there, so I was prepared. The good thing for me was that since my period came a little early, the worst of it was over, so I was able to forget it was even there.

I had an opportunity to talk with the kids, save them from danger, and watch my husband show his true love of kids. One highlight was when we went on a pontoon boat ride. A little two year old girl sat between my husband and I the whole time. She was so cute. She answered our questions, repeated everything we said to her, and sang her own version of "Joshua Fought the Battle of Jericho."

The hard part was that of the six woman there, two were pregnant and one had an infant and was breastfeeding. Four of them had two or more children. Then there was the two of us without children - the two infertile couples of the church.

Once when I was sitting by my husband I overheard the other infertile woman talking to a pregnant woman about how she couldn't join in conversations about pregnancy because she had never been pregnant. Then she started talking about the disappoint as each month went by. The pregnant friend (who at one time had infertility for two years) talked about how there are different trials at different phases of your life.

After she said that I wondered if she had become so far removed from infertility that she had forgotten the pain and the hardships that an infertile couple has to endure. Will that happen to me someday? Will I be able to look back after I have children of my own and think that it was just the trial of that time. Will it seem insignificant compared to the trials of raising children? Infertility has definitely been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. For nearly four years I've hoped to change my life and bring another life into this world. Will there ever be any other life event that will last for that long and be on my mind every day and every night?

Maybe I should think of all the blessings I do have. I have a loving family, parents that raised me right, siblings that care, and a husband who would never forsake me or harm me. I have good friends near and far. I'm talented, healthy, and financially stable. I have a Savior and Lord who loves me, died for me, and has plans for my future.

I want to follow the path God has set out for me. I want Him to direct me in the right direction so I can serve Him in the best way possible. I know what I want, but what does He want?