In January my husband and I along with our daughter went to Washington to visit my mom and sister. My mom had hoped to visit us in Michigan for Christmas, but she got a blood clot and later had problems with her strength failing. In December she had trouble keeping food down and keeping her weight up.

It was good to see her again, but I could see right away how much weight she had lost. She didn't have much strength and only made it out of the house once the whole week for a doctor visit. She didn't eat much and only ate at the table with us once. She and my daughter shared her room, and that seemed to work well.

I wanted to take a picture of my mom with my daughter, but my mom didn't want one because her hair was badly in need of a cut. She said that she had taken a picture of my brother with her mom when she hadn't wanted one because of messy hair. Mom had told her no one would see it, and then my brother had used it at his wedding a year ago. I said that I would take one, but that no one needed to see it. My sister took pictures of the three of us with my camera and with my mom's disposable.

The family friend who brought us to the airport when we returned home told us that she had encouraged my mom to get some sort of home health care because it wasn't safe for my mom to be alone all day while my sister was at work.

The following week my mom's sister and her daughter came to visit. My mom had my cousin cut her hair and had a wonderful time talking about old memories and hearing all about the wedding planning for my cousin's daughter. She even got to see the wedding dress. Mom told me that she was having a home health person come to visit the morning the relatives were leaving. She knew she needed care and thought she may even have to go to a home. She said she had waited until all the guests were gone because she didn't want them/us to have to drive to a home to visit with her.

The home health person came and decided that my mom was too weak and needed to go to the hospital to gain strength. While at the hospital my sister looked at homes for my mom and the doctors did tests to see why she was vomiting so much. After a week it was determined that her liver was shutting down and there was nothing to be done to help her. My mom decided to go off her medications, and called my sister at work one day to tell her. Mom said she wasn't in any pain.

The next morning my sister called me to tell me that I had better come. Mom was beginning to get sedated from the toxins caused by the scirrhosis of her liver. She was having trouble speaking and had called early that morning at 5:30am to ask her if she had missed Valentine's Day. It was Valentine's Day, but Mom didn't realize it.

No one had told me she had gone off her medications. The doctors didn't think that she would go downhill so fast. They had thought she might be in a home for a while. I think her goal was to have those visits with her family and when she realized that the doctors could no longer help her with the vomiting, she decided it was time to go. I know she didn't want to go, but she knew it was time.

By the time I arrived with my brother at 11am the following day she was no longer able to communicate. During the night she would squeeze a hand if you asked. We went home for an hour and were called to the hospital. They didn't think she had much more time. We stayed there for several more hours and met with hospice, who said she looked comfortable and who also said she could go at any time. Her IV was removed because the kidneys were no longer functioning. Her heart beat was strong. A couple times she moved her arms and we all got close hoping she might speak.

We went home that evening knowing we could get a call at any time that she was gone. They called at 6:30 am telling us they thought she only had an hour left. My daughter was still sleeping so we decided to wait an hour until she woke up. The nurse that called was the same one who called my sister the previous morning telling her she only had a couple hours left. At about 7:30 am, February 16, the hospital called to tell us that she was gone. My daughter was just waking up, so we went to the hospital to see Mom one last time. In the hospital parking lot my daughter was saying "Omma". She remembered seeing Grandma at the hospital the day before, although she had spent very little time in the room with her. When we went into the room she said "Omma" and "cry" when she saw me with tears in my eyes. I told her Grandma was with Jesus.

Afterwards she would say "Omma" whenever we brought her to her bed in Grandma's room, when she saw Grandma's chair, and when a car would drive into the garage. We'd tell her that Grandma wasn't here and she'd say "Omma, all gone." She said "Omma" and "cry" at the visitation. She even said "Omma" when we drove into the cemetary after a 2 hour ride in the car. How did she know? We didn't tell her. Kids just seem to sense things like that.

One interesting thing we found out later was that friends of ours from my mom's church had a baby at about the same time my mom died. It reminds me of how the circle of life and death keeps continuing.

I'm so glad that my mom got to be a grandma, even if it was only for a short time. That last visit with her was so special. Right now my sister is living in the house. It must be hard to be living there alone with everything there reminding you of Mom. I'm going there March 13-20 to help my sister with the settling of the estate. It's weird to have to think about selling your parent's home and what to do with their belongings when you and your siblings are only 31, 30, and 26. (My mom passed away just 10 days short of two years after Dad died.) None of my friends have gone through this, so I can't ask them how they dealt with it. I know God will help us get through it. We'll take it day by day.

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While we were in Washington the first time, in January, we got calls from our adoption case worker about two potential babies. For one baby we decided to not have our profile shown, and the other one we had it shown. The next day we were told that we weren't chosen. We were okay with this because the reason she didn't choose us was due to her wanting more openness than we felt comfortable promising.

In early February we attended a Waiting Families meeting. It was all about newborn care. Since we got our daughter at 4 weeks, it was good to learn some things that we didn't know about like sponge baths and umbilical cord care. I discovered that there are many more waiting families now than previously, although most of them have no children. Of the six other couples there, only one had another child, and that child was 8 years old. I'm hoping that having a child will be an advantage if the birthparents are looking for an older sibling for their child.

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I talked to our case worker on Monday to tell her about the passing of my mom and she said that there wasn't anything coming up soon. Then she called today with news of a new birthmom. She called a week ago and met with them yesterday. She's looking at profiles tomorrow and has a C-section scheduled for a week from today. I called my husband at work and we decided to have our profile shown for this one.

Since they haven't known the birthmom for long, they will put the baby in interim care for a while until things are more certain about the adoption happening, rather than placing the baby directly from the hospital. This would be to my advantage especially since I'll be away for 8 days only 5 days after the baby is due to be born. Since there are many more waiting families than before right now we decided to have our profile shown. The odds are against us, so we trust that if this is the baby God has chosen for us, we will be able to work it all out.

It would add a lot more stress to have a new baby now, but it might be a good distraction from the sorrow of losing a loved one. I'm not getting my hopes up too much for this one. I'll try to rest assured that God is the one in control.

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(This hymn was sung at both my parents' funerals. It speaks about the saints in heaven. My parents are now in heaven praising and extolling God's name.)

By the Sea of Chrystal

By the sea of crystal, saints in glory stand,
Myriads in number, drawn from every land,
Robed in white apparel, washed in Jesus� blood,
They now reign in heaven with the Lamb of God.

Out of tribulation, death and Satan�s hand,
They have been translated at the Lord�s command.
In their hands they�re holding palms of victory;
Hark! the jubilant chorus shouts triumphantly:

�Unto God Almighty, sitting on the throne,
And the Lamb, victorious, be the praise alone,
God has wrought salvation, He did wondrous things,
Who shall not extol Thee, holy King of Kings?�