I finally feel up to writing. After making the decision to quit trying to concieve, I really didn't want to write. I wanted to get over my disappointment, not dwell on it by writing about it. I feel like I have made some moves in the right direction.

The first people I told about ending fertility treatments were my email penpals. I figured that since they don't see me every day or talk to me that I could handle their reactions. Many of them wished me well with adoption and some asked about what age we wanted or what country we would adopt from.

I also wrote email to my mom, knowing that it would be a while before she'd read it since she has to go to the library to check it. I've talked to her two times on the phone since then, and she hasn't brought it up. I've decided not to bring it up until after we call the adoption agency.

On Tuesday I had lunch with a friend who is now divorced, but struggled with infertility during her marriage. After telling me about the difficulties she is facing, she asked about me. The last time I had talked to her about infertility was on the fourth of July. I nearly started crying when I told her the news. The pain was so close to the surface still. Of course at that time it had only been three days since our decision. My friend gave me encouragement about adoption and told me about friends of hers who struggled with infertility and had both biological and adopted children. Her friend had told my friend that each way of having children was just as fulfilling and wonderful.

This weekend we had my good friend and her husband visiting us for a few days. I last talked to this friend about my infertility when I visited her in Rhode Island last April. She told me about how she had skipped her period a month ago and was worried that she may be pregnant. When her period came a few days before she visited me she was relieved. She's been on birth control since she got married four years ago.

She's a dietician and had recently gone to a class about diabetes. From her class she learned that getting your diabetes under control can improve your sperm count. She told me that she had thought that would be good news for me. I told her that I had been curious about that, and it was interesting to know. Unfortunately, if it had improved my husband's count, it wasn't much.

She said some of the things common to those who know little about adoption and infertility. The good thing was that I was prepared and could give a good response, so I wasn't offended or upset. When I talked about adoption she said that maybe I'd get pregnant then. I told her that we could still get pregnant, but we also have no idea when or if it will happen. I explained how that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with. If I knew there was no way we could have children, adoption would be a much easier choice.

Then she said that she would like to adopt because there are so many children in need. I then explained to her how the wait for an infant could be two years or more. I told her a little about the process and why it takes that long. She seemed a little surprised to hear about the waiting involved.

The good thing about our conversation was that I didn't once break down and start to cry. I felt very confident in our decision to adopt. I decided that maybe I was ready to call the adoption agency and thought about doing it on Monday (today) after my guests were gone.

I started thinking more about calling the agency yesterday, but then I decided to wait another week. My husband and I are going on a three day vacation later this week. If the agency sends us information I don't want in-laws, who will be bringing in our mail, to see it. So, until I call he agency, I probably won't be writing.

In the last week I've been working on a new template for my diary. It's nearly finished, but I won't start using it until I make that call to the agency.