I had a nice vacation that helped keep my mind off my worries. The progesterone injections went well, and there was just some minimal spotting July 23-27.

I was concerned the whole time about having a miscarriage. I noticed that I was experiencing little to no morning sickness. I had mild cramping that came and went. I wasn't gaining any weight, or increasing size in any part of my body. I also was convinced that the baby had measured much too small.

So for today's ultrasound I prepared myself for the worst.

During the ultrasound I discovered that there was no growth and no heartbeat. The baby was still measuring 5-6 weeks. It was sad news, but a big relief to finally have a clear answer.

A RN spoke to me and told me that the miscarriage would be similar to a heavy period. She said the midwife I had wanted to use was away doing a C-section, but they would call me later after she returned to see if they could fit me in to see her tomorrow.

The nurse who had done my ultrasound then ushered me out the back door so I wouldn't have to face people and check out at the front desk. I wasn't crying at that point, just teary-eyed. I really tried to hold it all back, even on the drive home.

I got home and was greeted by my adorable daughter who just turned three. She said something to me about a baby. Hubby was right behind her, and he heard me say that there will be no baby.

I think Hubby was much more optimistic that I was. He was very sad, and lingered at home for a while even after I had told him everything. He had left work to watch our daughter. He went back to work with the plan to tell his dad(boss) why he had been leaving work along with a request that he not tell hubby's brothers at work. I told hubby that I really didn't want a lot of people to know. I really am a private person.

At noon the midwife I planned to use called me at home to schedule an appointment to discuss my options. She said she really wanted to talk to me personally before scheduling an appointment. She mentioned a D&C and natural miscarriage as my two options. She said if I really wanted I could come in tomorrow, but she suggested that I take my time and see her on Tuesday. I ended up deciding to wait until Tuesday.

The midwife went on to say that I would stop taking the progesterone shot (I knew that of course). A miscarriage could take a while to happen naturally because the hormone levels would need to go down first. Then she went on to describe a natural miscarriage: it would take about 24 hours, would be like labor, and how women get this feeling that is is all over when they pass the placental sac (I think that's the proper term?).

She said with a D&C it would be an outpatient surgery, and that it could cause scarring in the uterus.

Right now I'm leaning toward the natural miscarriage because I have the desire to experience what may be my only pregnancy from start to finish.

The midwife also said that they generally suggest that you take a break from TTC after a miscarriage. She said that in my case with infertility it would not be necessary, and would really be up to me. She said a fertility specialist would probably not want to take a break because you're more fertile after a miscarriage.

I don't plan to actively TTC as we have less than a 1% chance of conceiving each cycle, and we are currently approved and waiting to adopt. I figured out not long ago that we may have conceived on what was our 101st cycle of not preventing pregnancy. So we truly do have less than a 1% chance each cycle.

The midwife was so sweet. She asked if this was the first time I had conceived, and when I said yes, she said that she was sorry, and that she was glad I have my daughter to hug.

I've been giving my daughter a lot of attention today. I did laundry, a little grocery shopping, and spent the rest of the time today playing with her. When hubby was home he mentioned several times how she was our comic relief. It was a blessing to have her around today.

Tuesday morning I'll be going to meet with the midwife. Hubby wants to come along too, and his mother has been asked to watch our daughter.

I've been getting teary-eyed, but I still haven't had a good cry. I need to cry, but haven't found the right time to do it.

I always wondered if having a miscarriage would be worse for me than finding out you would probably never conceive. Right now I'm feeling like the miscarriage is going to be less traumatic for me. I think it helps knowing that our focus right now is adoption.