I think I'll start out this entry with adoption news. I left a message with my case worker on Thursday, and she called me back with an answer to a question I had. I wanted to know if my daughter's birth mother is still receiving my letters and photos in the mail. I had been curious, thinking that she may have moved by now without leaving a forwarding address. I typically send a letter this time of year, so I wanted to see if she would get it immediately or not. At Christmas time I rushed to get the letter sent off so she would get it before Christmas. At the time I was thinking that I should ask to see if they were still mailing things to her. I didn't ask, but this time I remembered to check first.

My answer was that she has not gotten my letters since last year. My letters have come back to the agency with no forwarding address, so they are now keeping them there on file in case she ever calls or comes to get them. I only sent two letters last year, one in late summer, and one in December. I'm guessing that she got the summer one, but not the Christmas one. I told her when we met that I would at least send an update once a year. I'm beginning to think that now is the time to do that. I'll write down some things now to tell her, so I don't forget, but I'll wait until December to drop anything off at the agency.

I'm sad that she has lost contact with the agency. I've had a feeling this would happen, but I always hoped the opposite: that she would suddenly start writing me back with news about her life. Now all I can do is pray for her and wonder. My case worker says that it happens with young birth mothers. They move and forget to tell the agency, then after a while they realize that they haven't gotten an update, and they make the call to the agency to tell them their new address. I hope she calls them soon.

Before ending my phone call my social worker told me that she will be quitting her job at the end of the month. I asked if she was getting a different job, and she said that she wasn't. Her husband has been retired for two years and her youngest is starting college, so she'd really like to be able to have the flexibility to do some traveling. She said that for right now she isn't getting another job as there are a lot of things around home that she'd like to do. She said that with her job there is never a good time to quit. She had hoped that she could be with us to the end of our second adoption. She said that she will be notifying all families she works with, but has started telling families she happens to speak with now. We will be getting an official letter about it in the mail.

Our case will now be assigned to the other case worker. I've talked to her a couple times, but don't know much about her. She's been in that position for two years. My daughter's adoption confirmation in court was the first one she attended. She seems like she will be nice to work with, and our current case worker had good things to say about her.

My last bit of adoption news is that I was told that they are working with some women who are due this fall. It's not much news, but it is something. Our pastor prayed for families waiting to adopt last night and for the babies waiting to be born. Maybe one of those babies is for us. I've been thinking a lot about babies lately. Two friends have given birth to babies within a week of each other, so it's hard not to feel sad for myself.

Let's move on to my first post-miscarriage cycle.

I have been waiting and waiting for the spotting and bleeding to end, since my miscarriage started on August 3. I started my period September 3, exactly a month later. It was a very odd period, but I expected it to be unusual. It was light for two days, extremely heavy for two days, then light for two days. It was followed by six days of spotting. The spotting appears to be at the end, so I think today will be the last day of my period. I am so glad!!

The period cramping was mild, and not bad enough for me to take pain medication. The clots that I never had during the miscarriage, all came out. A couple were quite large, the diameter of my finger. The flow was heavier than I have ever had - about 50% more than normal. In three hours I had as much flow as I would have in five hours on a typical heavy day. I was using a Diva Cup, so I was able to measure.

I'm still charting my temperatures (see the fertility friend link if you want to see the chart). My temps didn't drop until the heavy flow started. Because of this extra long period (12 days) I will be ovulating later than normal. My guess is day 19 or 20, making for a 32 or 33 day cycle.

As much as I'd love to be pregnant, I really don't expect it to happen again. Maybe sometime, but the odds are against it happening so soon.

I had some shocking feelings (at least to me) while being pregnant. Not all of them I have recorded here. My first reaction was excitement, with a touch of disbelief. My second reaction was that I didn't want to have to wait seven or so more months for a baby. I wanted to be able to adopt now. I secretly hoped that we would be chosen right then, too early to be sure about the pregnancy, and we would end up with two babies less than a year apart.

I also didn't like the idea of what pregnancy would do to my body. With adoption I had lost the ability to birth my child, but I had gained the right to a body that hadn't been changed by a pregnancy. When these feelings began to surface, I stopped reading books about pregnancy. I didn't want to read about how my body would never be the same afterward. It didn't seem right that I would have to give up one thing for my first child, followed by the only thing I had left for my second. It was one-sided thinking, but that's where I was at the time.

I once wrote here about being unsure about breast feeding. I've never been sure if it is something I want to do, but with a birth child on the way I found I had to think more seriously about it. In the end I never did come to a decision. I still don't know what I'd do. However, I am convinced that adoptive breastfeeding is not for me, so there is no need to reflect on that.

Now I wait for my final visit with the midwife on September 23. Then I can officially end this chapter of my life.